Masking
Masking is the process of a neurodiverse individual changing their natural way of being to blend into those or the environment around them. Often this will result in a neurodiverse individual trying to seem neurotypical. This is an unconscious thing and not something someone usually chooses to do.
While, almost everyone (regardless of neurodiversity) will do this in one way or another to form connection and commonality with others, for neurodiverse individuals, this can be far more detrimental and harmful to mental health and wellbeing.
Let’s use my friend Sam’s experience of buying new shoes as a more general way of understanding and recognising the experience of Masking.
Sam finds new shoes in a shop, they look perfect for Sam. The shoes are just what Sam thinks they want or need in a new pair of shoes. Sam picks them up and realises, they are a half size too small. They try them on and think “They’ll stretch, I’ll wear plaster, I’ll make it work.” Sam buys them and wears them all the next day. By the end of the day their feet feel squashed and sore, the fit just isn’t right.
The issue here isn’t that Sam’s feet are too big, the shoes are too small.
The experience of wearing these shoes all day would have been uncomfortable, maybe not drastically so initially. However, if Sam kept wearing those shoes, eventually Sam would find they’d develop more issues with their feet, maybe their back, and their mood might become affected. Eventually, these too-small shoes will have affected many areas of Sam’s life. Sam could never have imagined this happening when they found them ?!
This is similar to Masking.
Our world often portrays the neurotypical brain/ way of thinking/being as ‘correct’ or ‘standard or ‘normal’. Often, this is not said or communicated directly or explicitly to a neurodiverse person (sometimes it is) but more often implicitly. So how does one cope with this?
They try making the shiny new shoes work, they look at neurotypical examples around them and try and make it fit. Maybe the first time they do this, it’s not so bad, it goes unnoticed.
Now imagine, like the new shoes, how painful [physically and emotionally] it could become if that were the only option there over a lifetime.
As I work with adults, who often have experienced misdiagnosis (not diagnosed as a child), masking is a heavily engrained part of their lives. Meaning their way of being can become based on something that just does not work for them. The great news is, that this can be unravelled, and we can learn to Un-Mask. This is the true essence of working with Neurodiversity.
When we learn to un-mask, we can live authentically.
Just like Sam, if we can unlearn and unmask, we can find something that is a just right fit for us, because who really wants to be wearing shoes that are a half size too small?
